The Heart of a Dancer
Scott woke up to a meow and a thump. It was morning and he stumbled in his boxers to check the door. Scott picked up the newspaper and his eyes went wide. The front page showed men in suits being hauled out of his bar on gurneys.
“Cooocckkk!”
He scrambled to throw clothes on and rushed out the door.
Death of an Angel
Scott rushed in to find the Professor talking to a agent from the department of health and safety. A crew was inspecting the kitchen and bar.
“What the hell is going on here?”
One of the crew stopped their work to address Scott.
“Calm down, son. A whole gang of gents had to be hauled out of here last night; poor guys were puking their guts out – looks like the hanta virus. We’re turning this place inside out. We find any health code violations, you guys are shutting down!”
The Professor was there too, filling out paperwork.
“Now, Scott, it’ll be fine. Just a misunderstanding. Those Macmillan boys probably just drank too much.”
“Macmillan boys!? Oh yeah, I feel real sorry for those guys!”
The agent interrupted Scott.
“Well, son… I’m glad to hear you’re concerned…”
“I was being sarcastic. Hanta virus? Bulljive! You leak blood gas out the eyes and die from the Hanta virus. You don’t have a tummy ache. Those twerps are up to something I know it. This bar’s clean!”
“Alright son, I know you’re worked up. Have an Altoid.”
“I’ll take two, even if they’re not vegan.”
Scott was about to storm out when an agent walked up to them with a chicken carcass on a stick. It was spray-painted green.
“You want to explain this? I found this behind the jukebox. Pretty nasty stuff.”
“Is that it? That’s clearly not real. It’s a chicken carcass painted green and thrown in the corner as a plant.”
The original agent agreed.
“Yeah, that’s weak. You find anything else?”
“No, this is it. The rest of the place is clear.”
“Alright, fine. Let’s haul ass. We’ll be in touch, Professor”
Scott stopped the agents…
“Wait, can’t you clearly see this is a paltry setup…”
“A Poultry setup!”
“Shut up. A paltry setup to shut us down?”
“Not our problem. Let’s go, boys!”
The agents cleared out.
The professor turned to Scott.
“Thanks, m’boy. You really showed them! They think they can take us down a chintzy stunt like that?”
“They might be able to. Damage could be done. All it takes is rumors.”
Scott puts on his jacket and left.
Endangered Species
Back on campus, Scott was walking down the street in a fury. He saw Mac Jr and one of his Macmillan goons walking in the opposite direction.
“How’s the Hanta virus treating you kind esquires?!”
“Well well well, if it isn’t daddy’s little cherub!” said Mac Jr.
“Right, look who’s talking Newtown clown! Must be hard coasting through the most overrated collegiate program in the country on a toboggan made out of mommy and daddy’s money. You must’ve inherited your mother’s gardening gene; you’ve both got green thumbs!”
“So what twerp, word’s out. Your bar is goin’ down, bro!” said the goon.
Scott sighed and pushes between the two goons then high tailed it to the protest ensuing on the campus grounds. He pushed through the crowd.
“Hey, beat it you dick!” said one of the organizers. Flyers with Scott’s photo and the legend “PETERSON IS A FRAUD” were being handed out in the crowd.
“I need to say something!” said Scott.
“Eat shit, Lord Snooty!” yelled another protester.
Scott pushed him aside. On stage, June was speaking.
“…we need to keep up the pressure on Newtown to adopt a vegan campus. This cannot happen soon eno..”
Scott interrupted June.
“If I can just say a few words.”
“..ugh. Okay, let’s hear from Scott Peterson…”
Scott stepped up to the microphone as the crowd swelled to hear him speak.
“I know my words may seem shallow, I know you have no reason to believe me. I am not my father, I am not responsible for the crimes of Zoo-Lu, but I take them on my shoulders nonetheless. I am not the guy who will lead Zoo-Lu into a bright future, because to me – like the innocent slaughtered, Zoo-Lu is already dead. My interests are electronics, animal rights and the spirit world. This is why I am publicly encouraging Zoo-Lu investors to dump their stock, drive this fucking company into the ground. You know where to find me; I will be working my regular job as bar scientist at Foley’s, where we are only serving vegan food, and we’ll serve to anyone in the struggle against Newtown. Myself and my small but dedicated staff are available to do our bit in this battle. Vegan do it!”
Scott left the stage. June approached him.
“Scott, that was… a pretty nice performance.”
“Listen, June, I know you don’t have to believe me. But I’ve been living in my dad’s savage shadow for long enough. And James, he’s my friend. I’m not his babysitter. I don’t control what he does like a circus trainer. Sometimes he just goes a little ape.”
June chuckled.
They shared a moment of staring into each other. They got a bit closer. But then Scott was swarmed and carried off by some of the crowd members.
The guy who had moments earlier compared Scott to Lord Snooty and told him to eat shit, suddenly had his arm around Scott.
“Hey man, you’re OK with me. Let’s take you up on some of those vegan munchies!”
O’Connor and an unusually poorly spoken associate with a British accent were watching the rally from overhead in their office building.
“Hey isn’t that your daughter, O’Connor?”
“God, another one of those rallies. She’s gonna be the death of me.”
“Looks like she’s taking a real shine to the Peterson kid.”
“That twerp! That’s it. No more stunts, no more antics. I want him gone. Get me Zoo-Lu!”
In Seattle, at the Peterson Mansion, the phone rang. Les answered it.
“Peterson estate. Oh really? Very disappointing. I’ll have an orange crush instead. See you in a few minutes. Yes, cash.”
The phone rang again.
“Peterson estate. Oh really? Very disappointing. I’ll be in Boston Friday morning, sir. Apologies for the… embarrassment.”
Kill The Budda
The phone rang in the noisy crowded bar. James was surfing the bar top in the background. Protesters were spraying each other with beer from the taps. Scott answered the phone.
“Ah Master Scott, so good to hear your voice, sir.”
“Oh, Les! Um, yes, likewise! How are you? How did you know to call here?”
“Splendid, sir. I’ve been speaking to Dean Gaffney. She said I might find you here.”
“Dean Gaffney? You spoke with her?”
“Indeed. She says you’re doing quite well. I was so pleased I thought I’d come pay you a visit. Lunch Master Scott? My treat?”
“Yes! That sounds… that sounds fantastic, Les. When are you visiting?”
“Tomorrow.”
“Tomorrow! Wonderful. Let me just juggle my schedule around.”
“Now Master Scott, it was intended for you to dedicate all of your time to your studies at Newtown. Let’s hope my visit isn’t a primer for a long term vacation.”
“Hey, you heard it straight from Dean Gaffney’s mouth. There are no worries. No worries here at all!”
“Quite. I’ll see you tomorrow, sir. Bright and early, say 1:00, Peterson Cafe in the family wing?”
“Can’t wait, Les.”
“Cheers.”
Les exited his limousine – he was already in Boston. He tipped the bellhop and started to make another call…
“Mr. O’Connor, it’s Les Roberts, from Seattle…”
Nobody’s Perfect
Scott stood outside, behind the bar, looking up at the sky and smoking a cigarette. June came out to find him.
“Oh there you are!”
“Want to grill me for more questions? I can only pledge my case so many times.”
“No, I wanted to tell you that I watched an admirable man speak today. And I’m watching him follow through on his convictions. I’m just so terrified of being my dad, that when I see someone with a silver spoon taking their own path, well, it’s hard to believe. Until you see it.”
“Well this jackass following through on his convictions might have just cocked things up for the people around him.”
“Scott, what are you talking about?”
“My butler, Les, is coming to Boston. Tomorrow. He knows the truth, I know it. I’ll be cut off financially, Les is going to be out of a job… And they’re going to take James. He’s going to be the property of Zoo-Lu.”
“If Les is coming to town, he’s not going to fire himself. I think you’re all worked up over nothing.”
“No, he’s not like that. The man can’t tell a lie. He’s proper and honest and everything I wanted my father to be. He’d get himself fired because there’s less shame in that. I’ve messed it all up trying to be some rogue hotshot vegan maverick.”
“If he is like a father, it’s clear you two care about each other and you can reason something out. Besides, I think a rogue hotshot vegan maverick is pretty sexy.”
The two leaned into each other. June closed her eyes and parted her lips. They were about to kiss.
“Ugh, Peterson, you reek!”
“Sorry, nasty habit. At least Patriot Cigarettes are made of organic, sustainably farmed tobacco, additive free…”
“Shut up, Peterson.”
The two passionately kissed.
Scott paused, spit a large quantity of translucent white fluid onto the floor, and carried on.
Night of the Beast
Scott and June were in bed together. There were cans of whipped cream and a Ronald Reagan mask entwined in the sheets. They were woken up by a beeping noise. Scott jolted up with a gasp.
“What’s that?”
“Oh that’s just my pager.”
“Oh, okay… What time is it?”
“7:15, why?”
“I need James!”
Scott hurriedly got dressed and started to run out the door.
“Hey Mr. Romance! Do you have a fax machine I could use? It’s my dad…”
“Yeah, in the pantry. Fresh toner. Listen, I’m sorry I’ve gotta run. If you’re free later, maybe we can have proper sex instead of fist clenching and eating cream.”
“I’d love it.”
Scott smiled and ran to the bathroom where he found James brushing his teeth.
“Hey, buddy!” said Scott.
James nodned to Scott’s bedroom and looked back at Scott.
Scott nodded and grinned. The two stared blankly for a few moments. Then they locked wrists and gave a thumbs-up in unison. They did a quick affirmative point at each other.
“Anyway, buddy, I need a favor from you. Are you feeling sick today?”
James shook his head.
“No, I mean are you feeling sick today?”
June entered, holding a fax.
“Hey Scott… Oh, hi James! I’ve gotta run. My dad needs me to meet him for some reason. See you later for full penetrative sex?”
“You bet.”
Scott and James nodded at each other.
“Let’s go!”
Moonbase: Porky’s
O’Connor was at his desk sorting papers. June entered.
“Hey, Dad, you wanted to see me?”
“Hi, Sweetie. I just wanted to tell you that I took care of that brat Scott Peterson. I’m not going to sit idly by while he screws my little girl!”
“Wait, what did you do?”
“I made it a family matter. That Zoo-Lu butler is coming in from Seattle to take that ape away and send Peterson back home penniless with his cocky tail between his legs.”
“You mean you made the call? Dad I was wrong about Scott, we have to fix this.”
“Now he’s ‘Scott?’ Look at me, you harlot!”
O’Connor instantly grew extremely annoyed and hypnotized her with a giant picture frame topped with a dominating black iron python head.
June’s eyes were alight with an amber flare. She stood, almost robotic in her action and left.
After June left the office, her father peered into the picture frame on his desk. The eyes of the python showed exactly what June could see, projected into two screens of a hallway passing. The eyes in the photo of her glowed as well. O’Connor grinned and picked up the phone.
“Hey Mac Jr. I want you to grab the usual goon squad. We’ve got a chance at some assets here. Zoo-Lu is lower than ever and with Peterson out of the way, that fucking lap dog of a butler is next in line. What do I propose? I propose you dismember the fucker! Make it look like the ape did it. Yeah, no one’s the rat king. No not this time. Not this time! Bye, Mac Jr!”
O’Connor hung up the phone and looked into the python eyes. He saw the reflection of June emerge as she saw herself in the doors of the Macmillan elevator.
Ruskin: CyberDog 2349
Scott was showing James how to pull draft beer. Scott was wearing James’ Newtown blazer, covered in orange orangutan hair. Scott turned to a bar regular.
“Hey Bryson, do I look like a bonafide Newtownian?”
“You look like a bonafide prick.”
“Perfect!”
“Hey, you know I bartended for three years in college. I can help you out instead of James.”
“No offense, man, but James here is like Fisher Stevens, he can blend in and assume any role. Plus he’s a quick study, check it out.”
James pulled a frosty pint and then immediately shoved a banana on the rim.
“Aw, come on, man! You’re fine up until the last step! Which you don’t have to do! Here, one more time.”
Bryson rolled his eyes. Unbeknownst to Scott, June sneaked in through the back door and breaked into the office. She rifled through the security tapes and pocketed a few recent ones.
“Alright, bud, Les is going to be at the cafe any minute. I gotta run! Hey Bryson, keep an eye on this for me?”
Scott patted James on the shoulder and ran out to meet Les.
In Dreams
June sat behind monitors scrolling through black and white footage of the bar. It was all pretty mundane until she found footage of the bar in full swing, with James drunkenly swinging around, playing sax, riding a dog, and hosing down strippers with beer. Her eyes were alight with amber flames.
Night of the Scorpion
At the Peterson cafe, Les was waiting with a macchiato and a newspaper. Scott came running to the table, sweating through the blazer.
“Les! Sorry I’m late, I ran over here right after class!”
“Master Scott, a pleasure to see you!”
Les rose to give Scott a hug but then recoiled at the sight of Scott’s pit stains through his blazer. They shook hands instead.
“Forgive me if I’m mistaken, but I thought morning classes adjourned at 2:15?”
“Uh, rowing, I was rowing. I’m on the Newtown rowing team. That’s why I’m so. Moist. Love that sea brine.”
“You said you were in class?”
“Rowing class. It gets out earlier than the academic classes because of… Shower time. So, to save time, I just rowed in this. Ahh, wool!”
“Master Scott, I must be frank with you. I think we both know you haven’t been rowing. Or even going to Newtown at all for that matter. After all these years I thought you’d have a bit more respect for me than that.”
Scott realized the game was up.
“Listen, Les, I know. But James is everything to me. You knew I hated this, it’s not like either of us have a choice.”
“You’re right master Scott, neither of us wanted this. And it’s not a choice, it’s a duty to your father’s wishes! I haven’t served this family for 30 years to go back on it now, even if my last act is terminating myself from this family.”
“Believe it or not, you’re a part of this family, Les. If you want to prove your loyalty to it, prove it to the future, not the past!”
Les was silent for a while.
“Master Scott, I need to be honest with you now. I’ve made a deal…”
At this moment, the barista in the cafe turned up the volume on the TV. It showed a footage mashup of James making a drunken mess of himself in the bar. June reported over the footage.
“Anyone heartwarmed by the silver-tongued Scott Peterson has this embarrassing footage to pair against the Zoo-Lu heir’s self-proclaimed nobility. For someone who believes in the fair treatment of animals, he sure has a twisted way of showing it.”
Video of James riding a dog like a pony flashed on the screen.
“What the hell is this, Scott?” shouted Les, angrily pointing at the TV.
Scott looked dumbfounded. Les put on his coat, threw down some cash, and stormed out.
Do Not Forsake Me Oh My Darling
Les burst through the door to find a bar full of dogs, flowing beer taps, broken mugs, a trash can on fire, the Professor passed out on the floor next to a banana peel, and James hurriedly making a scorpion bowl for a group of drunk sorority girls.
“Jesus Christ!” shouted Les.
Scott ran in after him.
“Les, Listen…”
“No more ‘listens,’ no more ‘buts,’ no more excuses, Scott! James is coming with me!”
Les got on the phone.
“Yes, Trelawney, I’m just around the corner from the cafe. You’ll see it, it’s the trash heap of a bar on Beech St. Cheers.”
Les hung up, and took James by the hand.
“Come on, James…”
James waddled next to Les, stumbling slightly. He looked very sad.
“And Scott, I’m working for O’Connor now. I knew this would never work. I took a bet on it. That’s what I wanted to tell you.”
“Some loyalty. I thought you owed me a bit more respect than that.”
“You don’t deserve that ace up your sleeve, Scott. Good bye. I’m sorry.”
Les and James walked out of the bar as a limo pulls up.
Scott rushed out. Les and James got in.
As the car pulled away, James looked out the back window and pointed. Scott sadly reciprocated.
The Last One
Les and James entered the suite and the bellhop followed. Les gave him a tip. The bellhop adjusted his hat revealing him to be Mac Jr.
Les turned to James.
“Get yourself situated, Master James. You may not like it now, but it’s for your own good.”
James turned on the television.
Les got on the phone to order room service.
“Yes, a root beer… oh really? That’s very disappointing. I’ll have an orange crush instead. And, uh, three banana splits, bananas foster, banana cream pie, a griddle of hot dogs, five bottles of bubbly pagne…”
James flipped through channels until landing on the pilot for ORANG-U the television show. Les was muttering in the background.
Retribution (Parts 1 and 2)
This is where we’d have inserted the Orang-U: TV Pilot. One day we’ll do that. Or maybe you will.
Jump Vector
Les stood in the middle of the hotel suite covered in blood. Blood was all over the walls. Mac Jr lay in a pile of broken furniture on the floor, presumably with his neck broken.
“Alright James we’re getting out of here. And keep the change, you filthy animal!”
Lunatic Fringe
Scott qas drinking with Bryson. The rest of the bar was deserted. They were both well into a night of sad intoxication.
“I’m America’s richest fuck-up and I don’t have a dime to my name. How sad is that?” said Scott, stumbling over some of his words.
“Hey you could be Rick Astley!”
“Don’t… don’t you get it? sigh I can’t believe they’re gone!”
“The Professor will pull out of it. She’s a chewy gyro; she’ll pull out of the coma.”
“What the fuck is that? And no, man, I mean James. He’s going to be locked up in some cage for the rest of his life. But yeah, on the subject, The Professor’s down for the count, Les hates me, and June… I don’t even know man.”
“You know what you need? A little cheer. Let’s crowd this place! A benefit for the prof! You’re shit poor, Professor’s bankrupt, and everybody loves you guys. Some fools need to get ready to be drunk dialed, because we’re going to collect some proceeds for the poor bastard foundation!”
A crowd and drinking montage ensued. A live band took the stage, providing the rocking score. Mid-song, the door of the bar swung open to reveal Mac Jr. with June on his arm, dressed to the nines. The music stopped.
“Mr. Peterson, I’m going to have to ask you to vacate… My bar. Your surly Professor signed over the bar to me in their brain-addled stupor. If you wouldn’t mind vacating the premises…”
A shout resounded from the entryway.
“Hey Mac Jr.! Tell O’Connor I’m going to have to decline the offer!” shouted Les, with James on his shoulders.
Scott smiled as James ran over to him.
“Les! James!”
“Oh la-di-da! Great! The bar is still mine. And so is your woman, Peterson!”
“Yeah right, let’s ditch this creep, June. June?”
“AHAHAHAHAHA!!!” screamed Mac Jr.
Mac Jr. Transformed into a 9-foot-tall DEMON, ripping out of the man’s skin. The crowd scattered as the demon started tossing chairs and tables.
“Master Scott!” shouted Les
Les was on stage and threw an electric guitar to Scott.
James was behind the drum kit, decked out in glasses, blasting out the beat to “Got My Mind Set on You.” – the two gave an affirming point to each other. Scott jumped on stage and started shredding.
The power of music destroyed the demon in a flash of sparks and meat.
The amber haze lifted from June’s eyes.
“Scott?” said June, her eyes adjusting to the light.
The rocking tune faded into an 80’s synth ballad as a halo of light encircled the reunited couple. Scott grabbed June and dips her.
“Ready for that full penetrative sex?”
“You bet!”
The two passionately kissed as the music swelled.
Murder At BBQ Bob’s
O’Connor had just watched Mac Jr. burst into demon flames and the vision through his daughter’s eyes go black. O’Connor ripped his shirt off in anger.
“Alright, Peterson, no more Mac Jr., no more goons. No more kids to do a proper man’s job.”
O’Connor was very shiny with sweat. He encircled himself with candles and had drawn runes on his chest with snake blood. He was practicing martial arts in the dark. The associate, Bruce, peered into the office to say goodnight.
“Burning the midnight oil? I like that, O’Connor. Goodnight.”
“Goodnight, Bruce.”
O’Connor went back to punching the air.
Breath of the Dragon
Scott, June, and James were sitting at the bar sharing a banana split. Les stood at the bar looking proudly at the team. The bar had quieted down since the demon slaying. The lights were flickering.
“Why are the lights flickering?” asked June.
“Oh, we’re on the backup generator. We had quite the power surge.” explained Scott.
“You think it’s a blown fuse?”
“Could be a short circuit too.”
“Well, it’s kind of a nice mood-setter. Very sultry. Kind of.”
June looked at Mac Jr.’s smoldering corpse on the floor of the bar.
“We should probably clean that up.”
Scott ignored it and turned to Les.
“So Les, what made you come back? I didn’t think I was going to see either of you again.”
“Well, master Scott, I’ve always tried to be an honorable man. I felt so disgusted with myself that I’d turn tail and run to O’Connor. And you were right. It was downright shameful to honor a corrupt man’s dying wishes when I should have been supporting an idealistic man’s goals.”
Les raised his glass of champagne, toasting Scott.
“Well, that and O’Connor tried to have me offed by Mac Jr at the hotel.”
“Jesus Christ, Les! What?”
“Yeah, I thought I’d killed him with a champagne bottle to be honest…”
Les looked disgusted at his champagne flute.
“His associate too. He was a thick browed fellow, a troglodyte with a unibrow.”
“Oh, sounds like Greg. He was okay sometimes.” said June
“My apologies.” said Les
“Meh. No Love Lost” said June.
James clapped fervently.
“Anyway, perhaps that’s enough of the bubbly for me. I think I’ll have an orange cru… An Orang-Crush instead.”
The gang laughed.
“But seriously… you killed two men? Wow. I mean, I guess I killed a demon, so that’s like five guys or something.”
“Yes, but with a guitar; hardly a proper mauling…”
“I also released June’s amber hex, so…”
June turned to Scott, smiling.
“OK ‘Hurricane’ Spencer. This isn’t an arm-wrestling competition. Les, I’m impressed. And you, my hero Scott, were very romantic.”
“So nice to see you’ve found a lovely respectable lady, master Scott, instead of your usual… being alone and tortured. Jerking off to JPEGs of cats.”
“They weren’t JPEGs! And I wasn’t jerking off!”
“Sorry, JPEG 2000…”
Scott tried to correct him, but Les cut him off.
Les put his arm around James’ shoulder.
“Now you, my boy. When are we going to find you a female of the species?”
The gang laughed again. Fade out.
Seeing Is Believing
A few weeks later it was graduation day at Newtown College.
Scott and June were dressed up. Scott was wearing a black suit and holding a bouquet of roses. June straightened his tie.
“I know this is an emotional time for you. Are you ready?”
“I’m ready, let’s go.”
They turned to watch the graduation ceremony. Dean Gaffney was on the stage presenting the commencement.
“Perforia Ozark, Dan Parker, and, it is my distinct honor to christen the legacy of Newtown with the nations first ever interspecial graduate. Graduating with magna cum laude, and sometimes a little too loudly!… James Peterson!”
The crowd cheered, throwing their caps in the air. The air was full of tassels, flowers, and shouts of glee as the new graduates carried James on their shoulders.
“Um, there’s still more. Jillian Robespierre, Germaine Stetson, Dack Treadwell…”
No one was paying attention to the Dean, they were still cheering James. Until the Dean was riddled with arrows on stage. The screaming crowd parted to reveal O’Connor, buff, sweaty, topless, blood-painted with runes, wearing a python head necklace, and holding a bow and arrow. He had feathers inserted into his scalp.
“Oh my God, dad!”
“June, step away from that filth. Peterson, grab your fucking monkey!”
O’Connor pulled the string back on his bow.
“Dad, this is crazy what are you doing?!”
June ran towards her dad. He karate kicked her.
“Grab your monkey, Peterson! I’m taking you both down, right here!”
Scott was about to charge. O’Connor gripped his bow. The string squeaked. He was about to fire.
At the last moment, a crutch bashed O’Connor over the head. He let the arrow fly and it found its target in Dean Gaffney’s chest.
O’Connor fell to the ground as the crutch’s holder stood triumphantly behind him. The Professor continued to savagely beat O’Connor’s body.
Scott helped June to her feet.
“Professor! You’re alright! you made it.”
“Wouldn’t miss this for anything!”
June and James gathered around Scott.
“Hey, it looks like the Professor’s got some catching up to do. What do you say we get out of here, champ?”
James clapped.
Warring Factions
James, Scott and June played mini golf in a choppy 90’s era montage replete with hip hop beat. The gang ate Italian ice, high five, make some zany putts, and roller blade. The montage was abruptly cut short when O’Connor lunged out of the pond and grabbed James by the leg. The team beat O’Connor with golf clubs.
O’Connor wouldn’t let go. Scott lunged at him and grabbed him by the neck. O’Connor released his grip. He was now completely submerged as Scott strangled him.
The splashing stopped and O’Connor’s claw of a hand slowly sank to the bottom of the man-made mini golf pond. Some onlookers watched in silent horror. Scott pulled his hands out of the water and all he was holding was the amber eyed python talisman. He looked up at June.
“June, I’m so sorry.”
“It’s okay. We didn’t really get along. Plus I thought the Professor killed him this morning, so it’s really not a big deal.”
“You sure you’re not mad?”
“No, silly. Let’s get Italian ice!”
James clapped.
At the counter, Scott placed the order.
“Hey could we get four Italian ices? Two cherry and two banana for the big guy here.”
The Italian ice/golf man eyed Scott awkwardly.
“Sure”
“Oh and, at the bottom of your lake, there’s…”
“Yeah I saw.”
The lake was only about 5 metres/15 feet away from the concession stand.
“He… He’s been trying to kill us. It’s her dad too!” said Scott, pointing at June.
“Don’t worry about it, folks. That’s one of the suits from Macmillan, right? They’ve been threatening to shut us down and open a resort here for the last 8 years. Honestly couldn’t give a hoot.”
“Wow, that’s very convenient. Oh, and can I leave these with you? Sorry.”
Scott put three bloody golf clubs on the counter.
“Hey, no sweat. You guys can take those ices too. On the house.”
“You’re the most chill Golf Man I’ve ever met.”
“Golf Man winks and points at the gang. Scott nudges James.”
“Hey, I like your style!”
They all pointed at each other and the gang roller bladed off, eating sweet cold Italian ice.
Fade.
Gypsies, Tramps and Thieves
Scott and June were walking alone. The sky was pitch black.
“This feels like the end of the world.” said June.
“Sometimes I think it may as well be. Sometimes when I think about the world, it doesn’t make sense. Lately, things have been so crazy – so flashed with brilliance that I wonder if things are ever going to be same again. But it scares me.”
“What scares you?”
“My father made his millions from some awful things. I’m scared I’m going to wind up like him.”
“You can change things, Scott – you’ve already changed so much.”
“I’ve been thinking, maybe I need to get away from Boston for a while, go away. Get some perspective.”
“Oh yeah?”
“Do you think you’d want to come?”
June laughed.
“Just where were you thinking of going, exactly?”
“Well, I need to go Seattle – sign some stuff, but then who knows. We can keep traveling until the money runs out, I guess.”
“But, what about Zoo-Lu?”
“I’m giving it away. I’m tired of this monkey business.”
“Monkey bus… you gave it to James?!” exclaimed June
“Not yet, but I’m going to – I looked into it, there’s actually nothing preventing it. Some loophole in the bylaws of the company or something.”
June hesitated.
“This all sounds amazing, but I’m worried you’re rushing into this – what will you do in six months or a year from now?”
“Well, I have been working on something, and James agreed to fund this new division of Zoo-Lu…”
“What is it?”
“You know what Les said the other day?”
“About you jerking off to cat photos?”
“Right, I wasn’t!”
“It’s okay, I believe you…”
“No, really. I was working on this… you see zoo’s are only problematic because they keep animals captive. What if animals could be in their natural environment, but yet ever present for all of the world’s children?”
“I don’t understand.. like a live video feed or something?”
“Let me show you.”
Scott turned on the Ghost Emulator.
A brilliantly real solid 3D image of a series of magnificent beasts appeared in front of him.
“With this, I can recreate a virtual, 3d model of any animal on the planet – recreated from the dead. I can show the children of the world any animal, all the animals. And all the people who studied them too, bring them back to life for a short while at least. The dead animals can stay around a lot longer than humans.”
Scott switched the Ghost Emulator to his father. He appeared static and loud, audio distorted like a bunch of tortured souls trying to escape all at once.
“HELLO SCOTT, HELLO JUNE. IT’S SO GOOD TO SEE YOU.”
June shuddered.
“He can see me?”
“No, but let’s just pretend.”
June and Scott walked in front of the image, and looked up at the distorted static, black and white photo of a man.
“I AM TRULY SORRY FOR ALL OF THE BAD THINGS I DID IN MY LIFE, SCOTT. I LEFT YOU WITH A LEGACY OF EVIL, RATHER THAN A LEGACY YOU COULD BE PROUD OF. I HATED MYSELF FOR WHAT I BECAME, AND WITH HATRED COMES A SPIRAL INTO DEPRESSION. I LET MY GUARD DOWN, STUMBLED INTO THE REALM OF THE POACHER AND THE HUNTER…”
Scott cut him off.
“Became the hunted.”
“I KNOW YOUR EMULATION OF HUMANS IS BRIEF RIGHT NOW, SO I WILL KEEP IT QUICK. I THINK YOU ARE DOING THE RIGHT THING BY GIVING ZOO-LU TO JAMES. I WAS READING HIS REPORT CARD ONLINE – I CAN’T BELIEVE THEY GAVE HIM AN HONORARY DOCTORATE! IT JUST SHOWS THAT EXPOSING INJUSTICE IN THIS WORLD IS STILL THE RIGHT THING TO DO – I AM PROUD OF ALL OF YOU.”
Jefferson began to fade out.
June held Scott’s arm.
“Scott?”
“The signal is very weak. I can feel it is ending. Something is wrong.”
“GOODBYE SCOTT. I LOVE YOU. I AM A MAN. WHAT IS MANNNNNNNNNNNN…….”
Scott screamed.
Jefferson faded away.
“We lost him. He is gone forever.”
June held Scott.
Fade to black.
Lord Bird And The Crystal Ziggurat
Meanwhile, in Seattle…
A series of executives are running around a busy office. Phones are chattering, the boss has his chair back to the camera.
Ross Mackelvoy is frantically trying to keep his calm.
“Um… Mr. Peterson? The dignitaries from the ivory coast have just arrived, sir.”
James spins around in his chair, he is wearing an ‘Newtown’ sweater… on his desk, a newspaper clipping titled “ORANG-U” is visible.
The camera pans to reveal two other ORANGUTANS, implying they are his relatives of some kind.
FADE TO BLACK.
Reunion
Back on the bridge, many hours later. Scott and June still there. Scott was fiddling with the ghost emulator.
Scott stepped back, excitedly.
“Hold on a sec, there’s a new transmission.”
Out of the emulator emerged a ghost of a tennis player, covered in blood.
June screamed.
“Who the hell is that?”
She turned to Scott for answers, but Scott was busy eating Altoids.
Scott shrugged.
FIN.
About the chapter titles
“High Stakes” is both a TV movie from 1997 starring Cynthia Gibb who’ll always be Sandy Banatoni to me and an episode of Manimal.
“Illusion”, “Scrimshaw”, “Breath of the Dragon”, “Night of The Beast” and “Night of the Scorpion” are episodes of Manimal.
“Female of the Species” is also an episode of Manimal. The same episode is later reused as “Endangered Species” in both The Wizard and Thunder in Paradise. Props to Michael Berk and Douglas Schwartz for pulling that off. You’re a huge inspiration to Ryan and I.
“Born to Run”, “Nobody’s Perfect”, “Reunion”, “Seeing is Believing”, “The Heart of a Dancer” and “Gypsies, Tramps and Thieves” are episodes of The Wizard.
“Screwed and Chopped”, “North by Northwestern”, “Transplant”, “Death of an Angel”, “Kill the Buddha”, “Jump Vector”, “Go Like You Know”, “Diamonds Aren’t Forever”, “Lunatic Fringe” and “Jump Vector” are all taken from the TV adaptation of The Net – I should say that I’ve never seen anything past episode 10, which is the last episode starring Tim Curry as the Sorcerer. I suggest you don’t watch beyond that either. Oh and look out for Lenni’s dad from Ghostwriter in episode 10.
“Moonbase: Porky’s” is the name of a script outline I wrote at some point in the late 90s and later revisited as “Ruskin CyberDog 2349” at some point in the early 2000s with Mark Stephenson, as ideas for shows we’d make instead of our detective parody, Chancer. We never made that either, but the band “furny” (with myself and Mark Cousens, and occasionally Vikki Crowe) releases things as “Horsley Sound Record Company” after “Captain Horsley” from the Chancer scripts, which is a real person Mark once met, I think.
“Do Not Forsake Me Oh My Darling” is the title of an episode of The Prisoner and very good it is too. Do watch them all in order though.
“Retribution” is a two-part episode of Diagnosis Murder and “Murder at BBQ Bob’s” is a single episode. Lee Goldberg and William Rabkin writer/producers of Diagnosis Murder are a huge inspiration too. Their love of TV parody influenced much of this.
“Lord Bird and the Crystal Ziggurat” is a comic book written by Matt Lee and Ryan Dougherty. In the movie, Orang-U: An Ape Goes To College, James wears a Lord Bird t-shirt. Currently being adapted into the third Orang-U movie.
“The Last One” is appropriately the name of the final episode of St. Elsewhere which if you’ve ever seen it, is a marvelous thing indeed. It's the final episode that all final episodes want to be. In recent time both 30 Rock and Community have alluded to it, and we allude to it a plenty in Orang-U, and more-so in Lord Bird. The final episode ends with the death of a major character and then a cut away to reveal that the character who died is actually the father of a central character and thus the grandfather of his autistic son Tommy. Rather than working as a doctor, Tommy’s father works hard in a construction job, while Tommy and his grandfather stay at home. Tommy is playing with a toy, which is revealed to be a snowglobe containing a replica of the hospital. This leads to the interpretation that the show, its characters and events are figments of the mind of Tommy. However, given that many shows has characters and settings crossover with St. Elsewhere, one can reach the natural conclusion that the vast majority of television and film exist purely in the mind of a young boy. We live inside a dream.
